Friday, 30 December 2011
Dear Metallica, I'd love to review this new album of yours, this CD, but you see we have a problem....There is No CD.
What there is is four outtakes from 'Death Magentic' - songs not deemed good enough for release at the time - released as
digital download files from itunes.
So, for the first time, a new Metallica album isn't in the shops. Isn't available on CD. Want the new Metallica album for
christmas? here's your download code. Merry fucking christmas. Try unwrapping that.
Technically, some might refer to it as an EP. Yeah, just like your last EP, 'Live At Grimey's', which was 58minutes 41 seconds
long. Or 'Six feet Down Under part II', which was 55minutes 44seconds long, or 'Six feet Down under Part I', which was
52minutes 47seconds. All of which are longer than Kill 'Em All (at 54m33s) , 'Ride The Lightning' (45m04s), Master
Of Puppets, (52m18). But hey, I'm being nitpicky.
Given that i)It consists of previously unavailable new studio songs and ii) It doesn't have Lou Reed on it, I consider it
a proper new Metallica record. All 29 minutes 12 seconds of it. Thats 12 seconds longer than the genre defining Reign in
Blood by Slayer. That wasn't an EP either, I might point out.
Anyway, onto the music here are four songs from the "Death Magnetic Sessions". Four more, unheard songs. Ostensibly
unfinished and rough mixes, but easily releasable. Obviously. What do you get? More of the same. Though these songs certainly
aren't in the caliber of say "That Was Your Life" or "End Of The Line" - the finest opening two pack in Metallica's
back catalogue since the double whammy of "Battery" and "Master Of Puppets", and my favourite two Metallica
tracks since 1991 - they certainly beat the hell out of some of the lesser material which is on Death Magnetic. Tracks
like "Just A Bullet Away" settle into Metallica's Load / Re-load era groove, but harder, heavier, smoother, with a
Sabbath-esque rolling riff. It soon puts the likes of "Judas Kiss" and the barely-listenable filler of "Suicide And
Redemption" into a turgid second place, though when "Bullet Away" stops and goes into a completely different, and
unrelated song half way through don't so much throw the listener as hurl them off a plane without a parachute. It's twice the song at
half the length.Seriously - with a massive rearrangement, starting with that gentle midsection, this could have been essential. As it is,
its just fast paced riffsludge. It is stock. It is tedious. It is, the same bloody formula as all the other songs.
As with a lot of recent Metallica songs, there's a template, a formula, which the band stick very close to. Fast, dischordant
intro. Instrumental Riff for two verses. Continue the instrumental riff for another 4 verses letting Kirk widdle widdle all he likes.Repeat
the intro. Let Hetfield Growl. First verse with lyrics. Fast bit. Second Verse with lyrics. Let hetfield Growl again. Fast bit. Chorus.
Repeat steps 1-3. Guitar solo where Kirk sounds like a police siren, whoop whoop. Then End after approximately eight minutes, or
whenever tedium sets in. (And believe me, tedium does set in).
It's either that or you decide to let Hetfield's self-help manual level advice in the form of words that rhyme (Almost, but not quite on
the level of "Keep the washing machine clean / fueled with gasoline / this insane death machine") - let those words take control
and put yourself out of our misery, single handedly trying to bankrupt the economy with a mammoth order of Metallica own brand gear-shift knobs for your jalopy- possibly
the most ludicrous merchandise I've ever seen. At this rate, it's Met-diapers next for the little rocker in your life, or Metallica's
own brand "Fuel" gasoline for said jalopy. Oh well. Give me fuel, give me fire, give me all the clag I desire. It's just worthless
landfill waiting to happen. At least they haven't gone for the Kirk Hammett Metallica-brand hairweave yet. yet. (I know, thats a
cheap dig, but as a man whose rocked his hair off by the age of 33, I take pride in it - not shame. I am what I am, and that is bald.)
There's another 3 songs on this EP. They sound all the same. If there's one thing this world really needs, its' four cover versions of
"Judas Kiss", only with different words and lyrics. Same tempo. Same formula. Same production. It's like eating the same meal
four times in a row. It just gets too much.
As for production, I believe the technical term is "Smashed To Fuck". The drum sounds and guitar sounds clip off into high
end, harsh digital distortion, caused by recording, releasing and mastering this stuff TOO FUCKING LOUD. I mean If I were
to write this paragraph is 72 point bold italic, it wouldn't change the letters or the words, but it certainly would make it almost
impossible to read. That's the effect the volume setting on Beyond Magnetic has. Imagine someone shouting in your ear for the rest
of your life, and YOU CANT TURN IT DOWN EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. etc.......
It's a fools errand to mask talent and content with volume, hoping to mask your deficiences with a constant stream of loudness. This
isn't winning the loudness war, this is launching the nukes at your cities and saying "We had to destroy our magnificent
achievements to save them", before claiming that the other side lost. Well, you lose too. As did the audience.
Out of the 14 songs released out of The Death Magnetic Era, These definitely rank in the bottom seven. Which mean there's
at least three songs of an equal sameness on that album (the last three, incidentally - two of which should never have been on the
album). Rejig the running order of that album and slot in two and a half of these songs ("Hate Train" - the second half of
"Bullet Away", and "Rebel Of Babylon"), and you'd have in "Death Magnetic" a thrashterpiece, rather than what is
merely the best Metallica album since you took the shit songs out of "Load" and "Reload" on the playlist. Carpe
Diem, baby.
As it is, Beyond Magentic is an addendum, an appendix, a selection of deleted scenes without context and meaning, hacked
out at will.
Still, at least its not "Lulu" eh? Just think about it - somewhere in an alternative universe, there's a version of this where
the band
thought Lou Reed whining on about his cock like a senile millionaire taking Viagra before rubbing himself against a
lamp post was a good idea. Think about that a minute before you condemn this outright. Given the vast critical condemnation of
"Lulu" - general consensus is that it's a band disappearing into its own rectal passage without a map, perspective, deluded that
somewhere inside the colon lies true genius, not shit - this goes a long way to redressing the balance.
As stuff bearing the Metallica name goes, its more vital than a gear shift with a caricature of the singers head on it. Its the sort
of demo stuff they would never had dreamed released had they not needed to atone for "Lulu" - Once Luck runs out, where do
you go? Suicide Or Redemption? Beyond Magnetic is more the latter. But in terms of undoing the damage, they've a long way
to go.
"Beyond Magnetic" certainly has the air of "Will this do?",
and nowadays - thats just isn't good enough. Not at all. Metallicas deliberate quest to make their records difficult to listen to -
bear in mind, of their recent releases, there's been two live albums only available in Austrailia, a live double album only available in
three South America countries, and another live double album only available on CD via a $100 box set.....It's almost as if their
attempts to piss off their fans are not just deliberate, but succeeding.
Beyond Magentic? Beyond belief. A massive misfire, a marketing disaster, and not much cop when you finally get to listen to it
anyway, jumping through the hoops you place in front of fans who want to listen to it. Yeah, I'll wait for the CD. I might be waiting some
time then.....
Beyond Magnetic - not coming to a record store near you. Shame.
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