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2001 The Future is Rubbish and I want a Refund!   Print  E-mail 
Written by Graham Reed  
Sunday, 09 May 2004
I don't know about you, but I'm seriously disappointed. 2001 was three long years ago we still don't live on the goddamn moon. We still have war, and pain. I feel seriously cheated man. the future's here, and I want a goddamn refund. Coz the future is Crap.

By all rights, we should have a huge spermatozoa shaped spaceship on its way to Jupiter with a supercomputer with a suitably punsome name (JCN?), huge circular space stations, inhabited colonies on the moon, and making regular business trips to space.  And some bloody big spacegate just off the moons of Saturn (or Jupiter, if you watched the film and not the Novel, fyi), where there's this , like really cold lightshow and some kick ass effects waiting for us. When we get to the other side the Space Aliens will be waiting for us, going "woah" and sprinkling LSD on our Moonflakes. And saying "Like the lightshow? Cool, It was just there to mess with your head. Now crack open can of Loob. Did u hear the one about the 8 legged octopoid who walks into a bar?"

But We're not. Thank you very much, Stanley Kubrick, and I blame Arthur C. Clarke while we're at it also. I've waited for this moment for all my life, and now it just feels like any other day. Its still raining, and I'm still overdrawn to fuck. And, as the man once sang "If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor"

And please, don't get me started on Gerry Anderson. Ok, I will. By the example of Space 1999, we've encountered foxy space chicks called Maya, (OK, I've heard of inter-racial, but whats that count as? I'm sure there's some established  Japanese Anime Fetish for it though ) ,and we've established bases on the moon again with crappy space effects to boot. Well, that was going to be the future then I grew up. Now we're here, well, this is the future, and I feel seriously cheated. But I don't miss the sideburns he promised us, mind you.

As I wrote first time round , it was 23:42 on 31st December 2000, and I don't know about you, but I really do think NASA are cutting it awful close to putting those space stations in orbit we're waiting for. They've only got 18 minutes left, and there's no launches planned. Talk about cutting it close. Any worse, and it'll be close than the end of a bad thriller where the guy has to cut the green/red wire as the clocks is but seconds from zero....

The futures we've got now is rubbish, thanks to sci-fi films and cheesy TV shows building up our hopes and dreams. I guess we're slowly learning the fact that "we're not going to grow up as Million rock and TV Stars" , as Tyler Durden pointed out. It's shame a nasty thing such as reality got in the way.

You watch 2001, and what do you notice? That's right. Nobody in debt. Nobody with piles of rubbish in their living rooms. No crime, no social injustice, poverty eliminated. Bah Humbug, Santa didn't bring us that for Christmas. The future we got instead was rubbish; so I hope you kept the receipt. I told you already, I want a goddamn refund.

Come back when you've got some proper gadgets. Like death ray guns, star wars gadgets, stormtrooper helmets, zero gravity pens (after all, the Russians saved $2 million by using pencils...!), talking robots, teleporters. This is the future, and its
dying one minute at a time.

That's it, I'm off to sulk, watch repeats of Star Trek, and re-emerge in 2019, and If I don't see Rutger Hauer as a replicant....guess what I'm gonna do. Probably give up on my dreams, wonder why I spent 19 years in bed, and do something real like cut my hair. Or watch "Babylon 5" instead. I mean, thats set in 2344 or something, and as I'm not going to be around to see if that future fails us too, its a safer bet.

Brave New World, My arse.

Reed, last survivor of the planet 20th century, signing off.

 

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