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ANCHORMAN:The Legend of Ron Burgundy   Print  E-mail 
Written by Graham Reed  
Tuesday, 07 September 2004

Hi, I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is the news!

"There was a time before cable, a time when people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news.... It was an age when the local anchorman reigned supreme. In San Diego one man was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a God walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sintara look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls."

 

Hot off the press, breaking news, is the story of "Anchorman; The Legend of Ron Burgundy", the story of me.  Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look! Wow, I'm news! Isn't that exciting?

 

Starring me, Ron Burgundy, as myself, this is the story of the life and times of me, San Diego's classic anchorman from the 70's. Ah, San Diego, which in German means "whale's vagina". And the 70's were great , people.  Look at this for proof: Loud shirts, moustaches, garish suits, and sideburns. I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and braun. That's what kind of man I am. My Rival, Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate), well, she's just a woman with a brain a third the size of us men. It's science.

 

Oh, and even better, it's got all my friends and compadres in it too. I, Ron Burgundy, and the Channel 4 News team, guide you through My life as an ANCHORMAN. That's why it's called "Anchorman".

 

Now, some would say I'm self obsessed, shallow, vacous, in love with myself, notoriously vain. What I would say to you naysayers, is this  "Go back to your home on Whore Island!" . It's just the way it is. It's not my fault women love me, and can you blame me for loving myself? 

 

Let me introduce you to the Channel 4 news team. On my right is  Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd), who is opposed to females in the newsroom because their smell when menstruating attracts bears, and that's putting the whole building in danger. I know what your asking yourself and the answer is yes ; He does have  a nick name for his penis. Its called the Octagon, but he also nickname's his testie's . You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang. Also, he wears Sex Panther Musk, illegal in nine countries. It's got little bits of real panther in it, so you know it's good. 

 

On the far right is weather commentator Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), who has a registered IQ of 48 and has a habit of eating lava lamps, only to discover it wasn't made of lava. He also once ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said...and  On the extreme left is our sports commentator and closet homosexual Champ Kind (David Koechner), though please don't tell him I said that, and also our latest addition, though causing no shortage of ruckus in the bedroom and boardroom, is Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate), who I am dating and will be bringing us a report on the cat fashion show later.

 

I'd also like to introduce you to my friend, Baxter. Say Hello Baxter! Baxter is a remarkable little doggie with amazing powers of speech and survival,  though I do have to tell him I cannot speak Spanish. I love him, isn't he cute? Later on in the film, I even kiss him, to show him how much I love him. He's so wise, he's like a little Miniature Buddha, With Hair.

 

And hell, the film has the balls to show the fall and rise of I, Ron Burgundy, Anchorman. See me in control of the airwaves of San Diego, assailed by the jealous rivalries of Channel 2 news, led by Mantooth (Vince Vaughn), though he is very very camp, and the Public Access TV New Anchor (Tim Robbins) , though he is very very evil - and also my good friend Ben Stiller as the Spanish TV Anchor. He likes maraca's and flick knives, and he has a fight scene ; Watch out for my friend Brick and his grenade! There's horses, a man on fire, and Brick even kills a man with a trident.Watch out for him though, because he later will work as one of Mr. President's advisors.  And also my friend Jack Black has a cameo as an angry, nasty man, who hurts Baxter very badly. He is a bad, bad man.

 

I'd also like to thank the director Adam Mackay,  for making me look gorgeous. And especially in the scene where I play jazz flute in a very impressive manner. Thank you, Adam. And remember, If Ron Burgundy says it... it's the truth!

 

Great Odin's raven! We're almost out of time, so this movie is out real soon, and you know you want to see it, and don't run out before the credits are over, otherwise you'll miss some of the best bits. And that doesn't mean the scene with the talking bears and the andream scene in the pleasure factory. Oh no, it's the bit where we rip off the jokes from my favourite film, Smokey And the Bandit 2. By the way folks, I only watch movies with numbers in the titles? And do you want to know why? If they weren't any good, they wouldn't keep making them, you dummy! Would they?

 

But Best of all, it features Me (Will Ferrell).

 

I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, Planet Earth.

 

 

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