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GOLDIE LOOKIN' CHAIN - Greatest Hits.   Print  E-mail 
Written by Mark Reed  
Sunday, 19 September 2004
If Enimem came from Wales, he might sound like this. You Knows It.

This could've been brilliant. It could've been ok. Instead it's just.... crap as fuck.

 

Imagine a bunch of twenty somethings, raised on the A-team, obsessed with The Bill and spliff and Primark, pretending to be chavs, dolled up in faux-chic Working Class burberry, and taking the piss. That's the glc, and youknowsit.

 

But who is the joke on? You? Me? Them? Everybody?  

 

 

I have no idea. What I do know is that "Greatest Hits" isn't that Great, and doesn't have that many hits on it ; consisting of a selection of re-recordings of old songs taken from their first 6, lowkey word-of-mouth albums. The music is dull, anodyne, tired. The lyrics? With a handful of exceptions they aint tha't good either.

 

Which really really makes me angry as fuck, ya clart. Because the genre was begging to be blown open by white boys prepared to rip the living piss out of self-aggrandising braindead morons who big-up themselves and mistake saying something with having Something To Say. "Greatest Hits" is, plain and simple, an open goal missed in chronic proportions.  

 

 

Whilst "Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do" is great - and you knows it - the rest of the album draws far short. The lyrical genius of their first few albums (available for sample on their website) is diluted. They're too self-conscious. They're trying too fucking hard. By the time they get to "Half Man, Half Machine" it's increasingly obvious that this one trick pony is getting clapped out : the purile lyrics aren't even amusing, simply excruiating. 

 

Listening to faux-chavs pretending to be robots dressed in tinfoil is just ... sad. It's the type of thing I'd do when I was ten, not when I was twenty-one and on my debut CD. And any band that has a song called "Your Mother's Got A penis"... well. That makes The Bloodhound Gang look like Sylvia Fucking Plath. You knows it. It's such a cliché to say that their earlier stuff was better, but it was.  

 

"Greatest Hits" is a bloody good album. If you haven't heard the earlier stuff, no doubt this'll sound fantastic.  It's the complete antidote to The Streets. The world needed a record that was a good hard kick in the nuts of every braindead, streethanging, what-the-fuck-you-looking-at-carnt? Chav scum in a backwards baseball cap and white trackies that hangs around outside your local off-licence. But they'll probably think that this lot aren't talking the piss, but you know, living it, keeping it real, hardcore. Safe as fuck. You knows it. Pass me some draw, clart.

 

The bottom line is that Greatest Hits is a novelty album. The lyrics (at least, some of them) can be funny and a bitter insight into the bargain-basement of hopeless towns nationwide. The music though is neglible and dull.After all, the last band to call their debut Greatest hits was Sheep on Drugs, and we all know where they are now. You want fries with that?

 

The joke isn't funny anymore, and that's a tragedy, because these guys are going to be huge, and they better put their money where their mouth is and deliver the goods, or else they'll be back in The DSS faster than you can say "Novely Welsh Chav Rap". You knows it. 

 

Don't believe the hype.

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