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THE DA VINCI CODE   Print  E-mail 
Written by Graham Reed  
Thursday, 25 May 2006
If you haven't been reading this book and waiting for the film, Where have you been? Wondering what all that hype is about, of course....And there is an awful lot of hype. The book has sold by the bazillion, but of course, that doesn;t mean it's any good.Afetr all, Clive Cussler still gets published,and the source material for this adaptation retans all the original errors of the hack-written airport potboiler and destroyer of forests.

I mean, it's a masterful adaption of the book, and you couldn't hope for a better pedigree to bring it to the big screen, but really, the main problem here is, well, quite frankly, when blown up to the big screen, the problems of the original source material become magnified a million fold.

Coincidence heaps upon coincidence in a haphazard manner, and logic gets thrown out of the window. I mean, Can you really believe that Suspects wanted by interpol for four murders can just wander into Westminister Abbey, right next door to the houses of parliament within the ring of steel, without being noticed? No? tough, you'll have to. And then you'll just have to believe that when these multiple mass murder suspects are wielding armed guns at unarmed elderly cripples what do you think happens next? No, the armed response unit of the Police force that come in by the dozen loaded with HK-5 submachine guns just release them without questioning, Of course. And they certainly don't execute them, Brixton tube style. because being releases withotu quwestion inf ront of massed TV crews is just standard police procedure for mass murderers seen holding guns at unarmed cripples? Yeah, right, sure it is , Mr Brown...)

Mind you,l thank god the movie is so damn god looking, and Ian mcKellen steals the entire movie in a brilliantly camp performance. Sadly, it fails to rise above the mediocre source material where all the plot twists are signposted with all the subtlely of a pre-emptive nuclear strike.

In other words, it retains all the criticisms of the book faithfully. Its beautifully shot, magnificently made, brilliantly done film, but sadly, its an obvious example of a film maker outshining his source material.

There's no doubt Ron Howard (best Director, A beautiful Mind ) is good, but sadly, he needs a hit. After all, His last two films at the US box office lost roughly $50 million dollars...The first one following Beautiful Mind was called the Missing , which was a horrific bomb, not even making back a third of its budget; the one after that was Cinderella man , which again lost over $20 million at the box office. So when the DaVinci Code comes knocking, it's obvious he'll make good this huge hamorrage of cash, won't he? Ka-ching!

It makes me wonder what he saw in the book, because what we get here is nothing more than a boring, turgid, tedious, uninvolving thriller that doesn't thrill, has at least two endings too many, and is riddled with enough plot holes to make the time when Bobby Ewing micarously re-appeared in the shower look sensible. Honestly, following a nighttime ritualistic satanic murder, would you leave the louvre empty with only one security guard there, and with not a CCTV camera in sight? Would you? Eh?

Sometimes you can't turn dogshit into diamonds. This is no exception -a film hampered by the low grade hackwork of its original source material, riddled with blindingly obvious plot holes. The problem is this: if a book sells, they'll make a movie out of it, no matter what the book is like. You can't turn The Cat in the hat sat on a mat into a masterpiece, no matter how hard you try, and clumsly plotting and meandering setpieces abound. You can't dress it up and turn it into art, because for all the films obsession with symbolism and hidden meanings, this film has NO hidden meaning, NO symbolism, NO subtext; its just a series of uninvolving chases, talky video game cutscenes, and works on a plot level about as simple as a single person shoot-em on the PS2. Go here, touch this button, sovle this puzzle, clunk, move on to the next puzzle and repeat over and over again, all easily solved yet with an incredibly obvious plot points which has remained hidden for hundreds of years until this whizzkid guy solves it in a matter of seconds where all the others have failed. Mmmm. I'm not convinced.

Lazy, simplistic, devoid of subtext, this is a tedious piece of exposition that rarely rises above the level of 'Talk - Run - Talk - talk - talk - talk - oh look, scary albino guy - talk a bit more - run - talk - slight stroll - talk - talk - bishops robes - talk - yawn - zzzzzzz'

Which is exactly how I felt towards the end of it. After a movie this bad, it will probably inspire millions absolutely no one to read the book based on this drivel. I saw this movie done far far better as National Treasure, believe it or not. At least then it was entertaining.

It's also unforgivably, unbelieavbly dull and tedious.For the level of talent involved in this to create something quite so tedious, unexceptional, uninvolving and boring takes an incredible amount of misapplied talent, and blatant box office greed. After all that hype, this is a damp empty squib of disappointment.

Sadly I haven't seen a movie this crap since Raise the Titanic , or even worse, the jigsaw man , but this is even worse than both fo those, if you can believe that. I hardly can. But still, I've unlocked the secret, and the secret is this. There's money in them thar tills,and as long as shit like this keeps on being made and people keep on seeing it, what should we really except more of the same old crap in the cinemas?

File under Rubbish.


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