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ELECTRONIC - Get The Message (Best Of)   Print  E-mail 
Written by Mark Reed  
Friday, 22 September 2006

EMI keep getting away with it..


“So… we need some more money.”

“Ah, yes. EMI.Biggest record label in the world, with Coldplay and Radiohead. What do we need money for?”

“Hookers, redunancies, drugs, and closing CD plants.”


“Oh, and putting spyware onto copy protected CD’s.”

“Ah. We’ve stopped that, haven’t you?”

“Oh. Er. Yes. We didn’t tell anyone we’d fucked up there.”

“Good idea. What do we need money for?”

“Er, we just do.”

“Nothing to do with the fact that the traditional model of a record company is failing?”

“Er, ah. Um. No.”

“Or that we blame falling revenues on filesharing instead of the fact we’re peddling expensive and shallow shite on a public that thinks most modern music is crap?”

“Er, Um, Ah.”

“So really… you’re trying to justify your salary even though you haven’t got a fucking clue what music people actually like anymore?”


“Ok, I have an idea. Find an act that sold a few records a few years ago.”

“Erm, ok. Morrissey’s hot isn’t he?”

“Yes, but we’ve already put 2 box sets, 2 DVD’s, and a ‘best of’ of his out already. Keep looking.”

“Erm, The Beatles?”

“We’ve stuck 7 compilations out of theirs in the past decade. Try again”

Radiohead? Coldplay?”

“ Complete artistic control. No chance.”

“Erm, ah. Blur?”

“Been there, done that, put out the DVD, the CD, and the box set.”

“Um. Electronic?”

“The vanity signing? They didn’t sell very much did they?”

“No. Not after we signed them anyway.”

“But someone from The Smiths and someone from New Order and Joy Division?”

“We didn’t even bother to release their last single.”

“It could work. Why not?”

“So… a compilation for a band that doesn’t exist, with some, but not all – of their singles, some album tracks… and some b-sides?”

“Pop in a DVD and you’ve got a winner.”

“That’ll keep us from the wolves at the door this Christmas.”

“It’ll be a white Christmas. Got any coke?”




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