Well, actually, I hold my hand up. I'm not a convert of The Lord of The Rings - I came to it with an open mind. Never read a book or even wanted to know the plot. I just thought it might be a good, somewhat epic action movie. I can't compare it to the book - suffice to say that if it is a loyal accurate depiction of the book then The Lord Of The Rings shaped modern culture a lot more than I ever thought possible.

Ultimately its just another Hollywood bluster epic with big explosions, fake tears, surprise deaths, and a whole lot of "fuck me!" visuals. It seems almost symptomatic of the fact that a lot of moviemaking seems to run off a checklist (big monster? check. female token goddess? check. dunderhead moron who advocates killing everything? check. ageing wizard called out for a last battle to save the world? check. flying dragon? check. cynical warrior who discovers a conscience? check. bumbling fool who causes loads of trouble through clumsiness? check. gotcha. that's the lot.) and misses anything resembling soul, conscience, or a centre.

Ultimately the McGuffin of a plot is so slim as to be transparent and seems to exist solely to move forward setpieces to fight sequences. So to recap - there's a magical ring that can control the world that's lain dormant on the sideboard of a midget for 60 years, and a ghost wants it back to rule the universe.

Overall, the whole feeling I got at the end was one of disappointment, and I had no expectations at the beginning, other than it might be good. The final climax is a half-assed rerun of an opening kidnap sequence in a bad "Conan The Destroyer" rip-off, shot through with plot holes so large you could park a bus.

Find four children you say, Prince Of Darkness? Nah, we'll leave two wandering around in the forest, even though we've got the Lidless Eye that sees all. All except two terrified children in broad daylight. No wonder he didn't stay the Prince Of Darkness.

There's a horrendous sense of overkill here. padding even. I know most people are used to fastpaced movies, but this just seems to take pointless 20 minute detours and wrap them up in cod-meaningful-meaningless speeches. Why not take the straight road? the enemy will be expecting that, so lets go up a mountain, go half way, change our minds, go though a cave, get lost, then a forest, and wander around for a bit. Doesn't New Zealand look lovely? I wonder how much money the NZ tourist board sank into this film.

There's creatures in here than just one of them you would think could wipe out every character in the film. To make matters worse Pete Jackson manages to fill the screen with about 10,000 of them and expects us to believe that a merry band of a crap wizard (who does no magic), four warriors, and some adolescent hobbits (midgets to you & me) can defeat them all armed with no more than daggers and some quips. It's real adolescent dungeons and dragons type stuff. And there's moments where the Hordes of Evil get their arms cut off, and it looks so ridiculous you expect them to say "It's only a flesh wound".

Also ridiculous is most of the dialogue. There's Orcs, Balrogs, and other arcane bollocks that s ulimately meaningless. The Horn of Gondor is used, and a fight sequence pauses as if its the most magical thing in the world. But the Horn Of Gondor is never explained to the viewer. What does it mean? Why is it significant? Ah, who cares. Films with dialogue like "The Ring Of Sorem will give Sorem power to control the universe, and then the Shire with the Hobbits, The Dwarves, The Sorceresses, and the Kingdom Of Gondor will belong to the Shadows, ruled by the Orcs, The Balrog, the Lidless Eye that sees all - but you have the Armor of Mithreal which can protect against Mortal Swords. Ooh! Look! It's The Horn Of Gondor!" I mean, what's going on here? I've seen Krull. I can't take this seriously.

And what's with the ending? there's nothing. No resolution, not even a decent 'fade out' sequence. Just two characters talking saying "I'm glad you 're here to fight with me alongside evil and die in the next film" before climbing up a hill. It feels like an advert break - not the ending of a £100million epic.

To be honest, Lord Of The Rings is probably visually the most 'realist' depiction of the world of sword and sorcery, and the most ambitious. But when you've seen "Monty Python & The Holy Grail", "The Clash of The Titans", "Star Wars" (ooh look a glowing blue sword and a showdown between a wizened bearded old man and a young, powerful whippersnapper on a bridge), its just a bunch of hackneyed, brainless, almost meaningless bollocks.

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